Today marks the conclusion of a decades-long legal struggle as former professional boxer and mumbling enthusiast Rocky Balboa was awarded $45 million in damages from Greg Glassman, founder of CrossFit, Inc.
“Y’know I gotta say, this really means a lot to me,” mumbled Balboa, shaking from a combination of joy and thirty years worth of concussive brain injuries.
Judge Dorothy Horowitz of the First Judicial District of Philadelphia told reporters that while she expressed doubts about the initial merits of the case, once proceedings began the evidence against CrossFit was damning.
“Look, no one is less interested in whatever goes on inside of a CrossFit box than I am,” said Horowitz, a longtime Zumba practitioner.
“I was prepared to throw the case out, but Balboa’s team had an incredible amount of evidence on their side. Years before Mr. Glassman’s company was making money by convincing people to do stupid shit on cheap equipment that will probably lead to grievous bodily harm, Mr. Balboa was doing the same thing in the streets of Philadelphia, or the beaches in California, or even in the goddamn Ural Mountains of Russia.”
“To me, life is the real workout. I look at a piece of meat and I’m like yo, it’s a punching bag. Or that pile of logs, that’s just like, the dumbbells that God provided, y’know?,” Mr. Balboa told reporters, pausing to lift random things over his head to demonstrate his point.
While Mr. Glassman refused to answer calls from reporters following the decision, a spokesperson for CrossFit, Inc issued a press release in light of the damages.
“We at CrossFit, which is definitely not a cult, are deeply disappointed at the decision in Philadelphia today. We hope to put today’s events behind us and return to our core goal, which remains, as always, to annoy the shit out of you on Facebook with discussion about how hard the WOD was today,” the press release stated.
Source: Article107 news
Please note Article 107 News is a satire site, and you shouldn’t think anything we post is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. And by the way, Rocky Balboa is a fictional character.
